Just nice.

All I want to have is a nice healthy body and have a healthy diet and be in a really good shape and spend time with my good friends going through drive-thru and stalk hot guys on Instagram together and mourn over the fact that we will never be with them but be in greater pain upon stalking hot girls as we can never be at the same level as them as they are these goddess beauty and I am this thick potato that does not have the will to workout while her boyfriend is at the gym every 9 PM working out every weekdays and having a girlfriend that spends most of her time at home and just thinking “wow i have such a wonderful boyfriend he is so wonderful i just want to love him and make him all mine” and he just wants his girlfriend to workout but all she is giving him is negativity but to be honest I too want to have a nice body so he’ll be proud going out with me because his girlfriend looks nice and everything is nice and graduate and get a nice job and travel with the love of my life and be married and have a daughter with him and raise a family together and just have a nice future.

At the end of the day, I want to settle down to a nice family and have a nice home and come home to my nice husband and wake up the next day with the sight of my wonderful family and take my children to visit my mother and my in-laws during the holidays or weekends because I know how precious spending time with their grandchildren means to them and it is nice to have somebody who understands all these and actually do it with you.

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Whole new year?

To be frank, I don’t feel new or inspired or reincarnated or anything. Well, not really. I do feel inspired to become a better person for you, just nothing new. I have always wanted to be a better person for you – ever since last year. Which is about two weeks ago.

Ah, new years. A time where sinners asks Thee for forgiveness, students promising to get better grades, a mourner hoping to move on, and me praying that you’d be different. I have met you at a strange time in my life and I was quite astounded I’m still hopelessly in love with you. You were this weirdo who was surrounded with companions and was never alone. Your eyes glisten when I speak to you, and your grim never failed to make my heart jump. I was always looking forward for the weekends because it was the only chance I have to converse with you and get to know you. It was all a typical conversation until we exchange text messages and found out how much of a gentlemen you are. But the most important part was that, your jokes always made me laugh. I was missing you quite terribly and I still do. You said you knew everything, but did you know how much my heart aches when I knew I couldn’t be with you?

While I was longing for you, you were dreaming and missing another – and just the thought of that sank my heart. What’s sadder is that I could never do the same thing to you. It was already a red light since the beginning, but I couldn’t leave you. Your presence made me want to become a better me. When I look at you, I feel like not giving up. I love that I could easily open up to you and you would be okay with it. I have never been so openly with somebody, and when i actually found somebody, I couldn’t even have you. I still miss you quite terribly though I know you only text me when she’s not texting you back.

I may not be the best person you met, I may be stubborn, vain and impatient. But I still have a heart that’s hopelessly in love with you. Sorry I wasn’t what you were looking for. I wish you nothing but the best. Be happy my love.

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Forteen.

One the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me – nothing because I still haven’t found him.


He calls me Rose because my first name sounds very typical and sais I deserve a special name. I always had a type, you know. But not all my previous relationship ever fits perfectly with that. But I was too late and you were already someone else’s. I like the way you look at me while we talk, it shows that you’re truly listening to what I say instead of waiting for your turn to say things.

I caught you catching glances at me while I was tying my shoes, and when I looked at you, you just gave me a smile and walked away. I was grateful to have the chance to get to know you before your boarding. Thank you and goodluck.

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I still think of you-

When I see the initial of your name whenever I read ;

when I pass by your favorite bookstore ;

when I see a kid holding a string of balloons ;

and when I saw our picture perfectly displayed in Sushi King.


December is drawing nearer and I keep on seeing your name everywhere I go. Even my favorite show has your name on it, how am I suppose to watch it without having to feel this aching pain in my chest. It was hurting and I thought I was over it. The balloon you gave me has deflated and still lays on the same position 3 years ago. The dust are getting heavier and so are my thoughts. I heard you’re moving to Paris, I’m happy for you. You always wanted to go there after you learned how to speak French, and promised to take me with you after I finished mine.

If only you waited a little longer –

Maybe I could be your forever after –

I wish I could forget you as easily you left Malaysia for Paris –

..because I’m still stuck on the shadow you left for me to linger.

Are you coming back for Christmas?

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Recovery –

I still found fragments of you lingering through every place I visit and every person I meet.

I still remember the day we met, I was lost and you were going somewhere.

You were sweet enough to guide me through the campus ; carry my heavy luggage ; tell my mom that everything is going to be okay.

We spoke our farewells before your departure to Australia 3 years later

Weeks, months, I waited for your call.

That was it.

You’re still my number one even though you have completely erased me form your memory.


It was nice to know that you cared enough to visit me – but I was scared. I have developed this strange fear for guys, especially guys that seems to show interest in me. Don’t get me wrong, I have an abundant number of crushes and it was hurting at times but I was able move on(at most). However people who shows interest in me scares me. I was so used to being alone and bottling it all inside and not having somebody to vent it all out at the end of the day that when somebody who actually cares show up, I did not know how to react. I was so used to my lifestyle that a slight twist made me feel – all butterflies. Not a good one I though, a fearful one.

I’m pushing people away and I need help.

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White flag.

This is not important, this is not that meaningful.

This is just to let you know, at times I post without checking twice – and I realized how horrible and lousy my previous post were ; abundant grammatical errors, repeating usage of words, missing words and phrases, spelling errors here and there – but still,

.. no signs of you.

My happy little pill.

I have heard of your name before I met you.

My mind was booming with curiosity ;

” Who is this man? “

She spoke with such enthusiasm and I couldn’t help but wonder –

. . . . .

Your first impression was lousy.

“Just another normal being”, and so I thought –

. . . . .

I wish I had more time to get to know you – closer.

I wish you felt the same way.

. . . . .

I wish you the best on your up coming journey and I hope you won’t stop inspiring people with your dreams and talents.

Thank you for that one night you where you shared a fragment of your life’s story with me –

I wish I could be a part of it.

. . . . .

Thank you, B.

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I couldn’t sleep either.

It’s just sad you know, I had a wonderful and terrible day and I have nobody to vent it to. I have all these notion from the books, the movies, Sheldon Cooper and this vast fear inside of me that I can’t get rid of. And everyday, I see you – busy, having a life, missing somebody else, and to think, I was a part of that just hurts.

It hurts seeing your pictures, it hurts seeing you not knowing and not wanting to know, it hurts that when I do say something – you seem to not care because apparently it just doesn’t appeal to you as essential as what others say, it just absolutely hurts that every night I sleep with sinking heart that misses an absolute asshole. Every thought of you lingers through my brain cells whilst you’re thinking and texting somebody else.

If you’re reading this, this could be you. Well, that would be a surprise because you don’t care anymore and the thing I hate most about this is that I always miss people who doesn’t give a damn instead of those who actually do. Yes, I like jerks and I wish I didn’t because it’s tiring missing people like you.

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A reason.

I still consider it early August, but that’s not important.

Because as time goes by I’m feeling nothing but a waste and since I got the bad news, only made things worst.

I wish I was a morning person. I read an online article which states that recent studies showed that morning people tend to have a higher CGPA than night people. Well, I can’t argue with that considering the fact that I myself am a night person and my CGPA aren’t so great. If only I realized this a year ago, I would have worked harder and try to alter my biological clock and behavior – maybe I’d be in India right now, taking medic. Apparently, I’m not. Being a night person is the worst, you do most of your late night brain reminiscing during the night and this being done at night just makes it everything more depressing.

And everyday I wake up with this void in my heart. This gaping void that I have tried so hard to sew with my own bloody hands. I wake up and I think about the future. I wake up and I see my mom – and how absolutely terrible of a daughter I am. I wake up and I worry that I might not be able to pursue my studies because of a deadly disease. I wake up and I worry about the weather, I am petrified of bad weathers ; thunders, heavy rains, windy days. I am at constant fear of everything and it’s even more frightening when you’re battling this alone. What if I can’t find that one special someone that could swept me off my feet and just makes waking up feels like Sunday morning and makes mother feels like family. I love my mother so dearly and there is nothing I want more than find somebody who could make her feel like she’s also a priority. I have seen husbands not letting their wife care for their own mother when they were hospitalized because there was no one to look after the kids.

There are times where I think of ending everything, you know. To stop the thinking – stop hurting everyone. But then, I think about my mother. I think about my sister. I think my my newborn baby niece whom I have grown very fond of, even though she has not yet reach a month old. These are the people that keeps me going. I also think about the people around. I want to help people one day. You know, do volunteer works, teach children in the rural areas, give donation to the church, the poor, and just spread the kindness. I love Angeline Jolie. She is my inspiration and she’s always doing charity work and volunteering. You’re always so consumed with your own pain and sufferings and you forget that there is a whole country out there that doesn’t even have a proper water source. I haven’t got a grip of my problem, but I wanted to see the world and travel it and help people. I needed to find a reason to live. I want to see something different.

And it would be nice to have somebody who understands that.

And I don’t want to die, not yet. I’m not ready for it. I have a whole world to be explored in front of me and I don’t want to die.

I hope everything goes well next week.

Because I don’t want to die.

..please.

 

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